I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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