i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
We left the knife in your bed.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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