I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm like, not good at living.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
