My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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