In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
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