I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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