I just cut my nipple shaving
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
