Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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