Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
being pregnant is like rehab
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
