I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
