I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
