i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
