oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
