Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
