Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
