I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
