I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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