I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
