Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
