If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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