She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
