So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
