my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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