why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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