i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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