I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
