just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
