I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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