Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
