My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
