I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
