I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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