Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Randomize
