Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
