I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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