The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
