I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
