I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
