i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he thought i was a dude.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
