so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
