If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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