Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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