I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
