Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
