He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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