My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
