Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Enjoy the penises
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
