Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
