Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
