Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
