I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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