I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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