it hurts more in the daytime
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
